A nation that despises its children?

The report from the Pew Research Center is titled "The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families," but the bit that most people noted was that 40 percent of respondents think marriage is becoming obsolete. That's a catchy headline. The full report is over 120 pages, including appendixes, and contains interesting clues regarding the psyche of our society. Questions addressed within the survey include broad subjects related to marriage, family, and children. Even more than the changing attitudes toward marriage, our cultural ambivalence toward children, indicated in this survey report, should trouble and mobilize pro-family people in America.

Perhaps we don't know what we think, only what we feel. About two-thirds of those surveyed believed that the growth in the variety of family types (same-sex, single parent, cohabiting heterosexuals, etc.) was positive or at least harmless. Most, 60 percent, also said that premarital sex is not wrong. But, and it's fair to see this as a related issue, 69 percent disapprove of the rising trend of single motherhood. Single women often become mothers because of premarital sex, and they are an example of expanding variety in family types.

Nothing new here; we often answer "yes" when asked if a thing is right or wrong. All through the survey, respondents were more likely to be relativistic when addressing subjects personal to themselves. Divorced parents were less likely to see divorce as a handicap to their own children, for example.

Here are some responses that seem important to me. In keeping with our nation's increasing lack of discernment, respondents affirmed the increasing number of same-sex couples raising kids, increasing numbers of unmarried couples raising kids, and even a rise in the number of unmarried single parents. These trends were judged neutral or good by a little more than half of our representative spokesmen. At the same time, a larger number (61 percent) said that it is best for children to grow up in a home led by both a mother and a father. So the message must be, other types of families are OK but a traditional family structure is best for the kids. That's not really a contradiction.

Here's a contradiction, unless we really are ambivalent about kids; respondents broadly agreed that the very things they affirmed were harmful to kids. A whopping 78 percent said the children of same-sex couples would face more difficulty, more than half believed that these kids would face "a lot more" difficulty. A larger percentage still say that the children of divorce face more difficulty. The same 78 percent also say that children raised in single-parent homes will face more difficulty. This is not a Baptist preacher moralizing against the opinions of his neighbors. This is those very neighbors saying, "Yes, I believe that these trends are fine, even good; and yes, I believe that they make lives of children harder." They would likely be offended if I cut the corner and asked them if they considered making the lives of children more difficult a positive thing.

So what are we to think when people beat their breasts about the need to raise money for schools or social programs aimed at improving the lives of children? What do we make of initiatives to ban fast-food deemed unhealthful? The most ardent of these pro-child advocates are often the most tolerant Americans when it comes to the definition of "family" or of the bad choices people find self-nurturing. Is our work on behalf of children insincere? I don't think we are insincere but we do work at cross purposes with ourselves. Our society is sometimes a forlorn collection of people who spend half our time throwing grounded starfishes back into the water one by one, and the other half pushing hundreds up onto the dry sand with bulldozers. We lose a lot of starfishes and employ thousands of people to study why.

Our progressive culture shuns traditional mores with little regard for the strengths that made some practices and opinions "traditional." Granted, we sometimes also embrace tradition without considering why, but a mistake in this direction is not as likely to be immediately as harmful as a mistake in the other direction. Because we love novel ideas, our thoughtless response is to say that the proliferation of new definitions of "family" are good although the consequences of such proliferation are bad. Intuitively, we have warm feelings regarding anything with "new" attached to it. Rationally, we recognize the downside of impulsive decisions. Between our embrace of politicians and ideas that promise us something new and our realization that the change is not without a price, helpless people become victims of our little experiments.

Our desire to be sympathetic toward the circumstances of a person's life often affirms the elements behind those negative circumstances. Thus, we embrace sex without marriage while regretting its predictable consequences. We see a pregnant teenager and we're sorry for the newly difficult life she is living, but we'd never suggest that she should mend her ways. A committed same-sex couple really wants to provide a home for a child languishing in a bad situation, so we affirm this new kind of "family" because we wish them happier than they'll ever actually be.

Then there's divorce. This is the most socially affirmed evil we bring upon children. At this point, our nation has an industry with thousands of employees that depends on the continuation of no-fault divorce. We approve of it many times each day by actually divorcing and facilitating easy divorce. And 80 percent of us think it harms our children. Our friend or neighbor or brother tearfully says he's miserable in his marriage and we just don't have the character to tell him to stay with his wife even if he