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I heard an ad campaign some years ago that prompted us to ask ourselves one simple question before doing most things: “Is it good for the children?” The campaign’s motives were noble and its point was fine, as far as it went. The problem was that it addresses most problems related to the welfare of children too far downstream from the source. Unless we really do consider the “village” (government at some level) the primary caregiver and discipler of our offspring, the marriage between a father and a mother is the wellspring of most blessing and cursing sprinkled over children.
It seems missing or broken marriages are louder in their cursing than whole marriages are in their blessing. The most often cited statistics show that children are 3-4 times more likely to live in poverty if they live in a single-parent home?without regard to race or the employment status of the mother. We don’t need statisticians to tell us that. Anyone who’s worked with the complex and fragmented families of divorce or fatherless homes has seen problems even more significant than poverty. Even though beloved friends and brothers known to me find themselves in those same complex situations, the traditional and unblended family is the strong core of our congregations. And that is where churches should start in family ministry.
Yes, we do have conferences and curricula and some fine books on the subject. Go to those conferences, offer studies using a good biblical curriculum designed to build strong marriages, read those fine books. Maybe some churches out there even have ministers to marriages on their staffs. As laudable and potentially useful as good resources can be, those things are not what I mean. If ministry to children and parents can be integrated into the cellular structure of our churches, and this is an exciting thought, then we can and must do something similar to our strengthening of marriages. Here are a few that make sense to me.
Exalt the marriage covenant from the beginning?Too many people get married in church. I’ve performed those ceremonies where I’d come to understand that the happy couple understood little or nothing about God. Why were they being married in church and what was I doing in the middle of it? They wanted a traditional service in a photogenic setting and that’s it. Shame on me and shame on us. I will no longer perform a wedding for those who are not known to me to be maturing Christians committed to God’s will. If people in or outside our congregation want a religiously oriented civil ceremony, let’s not settle for that.
In service of that, young pastors should do what I didn’t?develop a theology of marriage. What do you believe Matthew 5:32 means? How does that passage and others that explain marriage and divorce impact your practice when an idealistic couple makes that initial appointment with you? Build some policies into your own ministry and into the practice of your church that don’t discourage marriage but which do make it a more sober covenant, not lightly entered into. And yes, I’ve led people to Christ during pre-marital counseling. That’s a fine reason to agree to pre-marital counseling. If that’s the plan, do at least a couple of sessions before deciding if you’ll do the ceremony. Take that decision seriously?meaning you sometimes must decline.
Exalt marriages that persevere?And let’s do more than let Walter and Nellie stand up to congregational applause on their 50th anniversary. How did they make it to 50? Some younger couple with budding relationship problems would be interested. Rather than let wise husbands and wives serve out their years of influence in the Adult XXVII Sunday School class, let them spend some time with newlyweds and 30-somethings. Isn’t that a value of multi-generational churches? They are more like families. I learned things never overtly taught from my grandparents and even some from my great-grandparents. I’ve learned things from some of my grandparents in the Lord over the years also. This can be arranged intentionally by wise church leaders without creating a new program.
Exalt the significance of covenant vows?One of the discouraging things all pastors face is hearing solemn vows made insincerely. Sometimes that breaking of vows will manifest itself as adultery, abandonment, passivity, or even abuse. Churches will often officially ignore the behavior or the problem but that’s not the same as saying no one notices. If Walter and Nellie are role models on their 50th, so are men who send their wives and kids to church each week alone. So are spouses who abandon their mates for some silly understanding of freedom or success. So are adulterers. The wandering spouses are examples and so are we who merely fidget and watch. Our children watch to see how important this is to us. Couples with problems watch to see what we do when the problems go somewhat public. Couples who don’t currently have problems watch to see how high their own views of marriage should be.
Yes, I’m referring to accountability, edification, and even discipline if need be. We’ll have weaker marriages, poorer children, and anemic family ministry so long as the things we say about marriage and during ceremonies are only theoretical. And we’ll wonder why our efforts aren’t bearing more fruit.
Exalt the significance of marriage at the end?Divorce is not an unpardonable sin. It’s not the worst of sins in its consequences. It is something the Lord hates, though. It is a sin, not just something that happens. It also has devastating consequences that go far beyond the couple in question. It is no more a part of love or mercy to be neutrally encouraging to a
