Pastoring well when members leave

“It’s not personal.”

When members leaving the church tell us this, it’s hard not to take it personally. Even as they express their gratitude for your friendship, your ministry, and the church, it hurts when people leave.

Our church recently experienced a season of departures (for myriad reasons), and I’ve become far too familiar and weary of battling doubts and temptations of defensiveness, having to tell my young kids about more of their friends leaving the church, and pleading with the Lord to bring friends for my wife for the long haul.

While we can’t decide who, when, or how someone leaves, we can control how we respond. However it plays out, pastors are called to be an example to the flock of God and care for them in a way that reflects our chief shepherd (1 Peter 5:1-5).

Before I share some lessons I’ve learned, I want to make a distinction: Some members leave better than others. I’m not necessarily talking about why they feel called to leave, but rather how they go about leaving. Regardless of why someone might leave, they can still leave in a healthy way.

For instance, if a member has a disagreement with you, a change of conviction that does not align with the church’s, or feels like the Lord may be leading them to serve another church body, they will ideally discuss this with you. Recently, a former pastor at our church expressed that his time with us may be coming to an end. Since he was still discerning this, I was able to encourage, shepherd, and pray for him. He was even willing to share this with our members at a meeting, and after I honored his faithful service to our body and thanked him for loving us well and inviting us to walk through this transitional season with him and his family, we gathered around them, thanked God for them, prayed that He would lead them to a great church home, and encouraged them.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Divisive departures can be a lot more hurtful and/or messy. In that case, how do we pastor difficult departures? It is not lost on me that pastoring does not make us immune to the assault of hurtful daggers of accusations or passive aggressive emails thrown as the backdoor slams shut. There’s so many things that run through your head, from wishing they would have talked to you sooner to wanting to defend yourself from off-base, untrue accusations.

While Scripture instructs handling those who intentionally cause division (Romans 16:17-18, Titus 3:10), the hurtful accusations may be contained between you and them. More often than not, these are emotional responses in moments of weakness. In navigating instances like this, here are a few helpful principles I’ve learned:

Clothe yourself with humility (1 Peter 5:5)

As we seek to posture ourselves with humility (Philippians 2:1-11), let us look to Christ, who empowers us to exude the humility He exemplified. Consider the situation at Calvary, where He was 100% right and His executioners were completely in the wrong, yet He did not pray for the record to be made clear. Instead, He humbly interceded for them, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger (James 1:19)

I constantly remember my mother’s astute anatomical observation in my adolescence: “God gave you two ears but only one mouth.” We must be quick to listen, seeking to understand not only what they are saying, but what is underneath what they are saying. Ray Ortlund offers a helpful question to ask during any conflict: “Can you help me see what you see from your eyes?” When we listen to understand rather than to respond/argue, not only does our defensiveness subside, but we grow in empathy and love.

Confess your sin (James 5:16, 1 John 1:9)

Even if a critique is not full of truth or delivered in the best manner, we must approach every instance of it with eyes to find our own fault in the matter rather than brushing off the entire assessment. Because we are imperfect undershepherds, rarely are we faultless in any matter of conflict. Own your shortcoming, confess your sin or lapse of judgment, repent to the Lord and your member, and ask for forgiveness.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all (Romans 12:18)

While restoration of church membership may be a ship that has sailed, interpersonal reconciliation should still be sought. Peaceful reconciliation requires both people to extend humility and forgiveness, and we have no control over how the other person responds. However, we must be mindful of what we can control. As alluded to earlier, argumentatively stating your case so that your “rightness” might be seen rarely leads to a unifying, peaceful outcome.

Bless them (Romans 12:14)

As you seek to send them well, express gratitude for the ways they have loved and served you, affirm the work of the Spirit in them, and pray God would lead them to their next chapter. Christ is their chief shepherd, and He will always care for them and give them all that they need.

Brothers, as you seek to pastor with great care, love, humility, and faithfulness, hold fast to Christ’s promise: “When the chief shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory” (1 Peter 5:4).