Churches struggle at ministry for grieving men

Kenny Brown’s wife had long struggled with heart problems. But over the last three years of their 31-year marriage, the heart problems led to complications with other organ systems and it became obvious that her life was coming to an end.

That end came in the summer of 2008 when she died in a Texas hospice with Brown (not his real name) and their teenage son by her side.

Yet Brown’s difficulty was only beginning. Through months of grieving, he discovered that local churches are not nearly as prepared to help bereaved men as they are to help widows.

“There are a lot of widows in our church, and they kind of hang together,” Brown told the TEXAN. “People are always willing to do more for them.”

But few know how to help a grieving widower, especially a younger one, he said. In fact, one person at work told him to get over the death and deal with it.

“Most men who lose their wives are older than I am,” said Brown, who is in his mid-50s. “Even the younger ones seem like they marry quickly?I think because they are so lonely and they don’t know what to do.”

According to one expert, Brown’s is not an uncommon predicament. Men’s emotional makeup along with their unique means of grieving make ministry to them difficult, said John Babler, associate professor of pastoral counseling and Warren C. Hultgren Chair of Ministerial Counseling at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary.

“I worked for hospice for a number of years,” Babler said. “And one of our biggest challenges was working with ? some of the men who were grieving in rural areas. A lot of their hunting buddies and friends were good friends. They just didn’t know what to do or what to say. So they found themselves alone, and their spouse was dying or had died.”
Babler added that men in modern America often have little outlet for their grief.

“In our current culture, there’s very little for a man to do in the midst of a death. Previously, it would have been the man’s role, possibly with his friends, to build the casket and to dig the hole,” he said. “And men are typically doers, so that allowed some outlet in regards to the grief.

“And now the way that funerals and typically death is handled today, there are few of those outlets. I would encourage churches to be aware of the fact that we need to come beside and walk with men, especially widowers, especially those who are younger.”

Despite the challenges of ministry to widowers, Brown said fellow believers did reach out to him in some helpful ways. For instance, a pastor and a deacon took him and his son on a weekend fishing trip a few weeks after the funeral. Then they continued checking on them during the months to follow.

“Even though that may seem like a small thing to do, it was important to me that they did it, and I will never forget their kindness,” he said.

It also helped for people to share stories about their interaction with his wife. Through those anecdotes, Brown learned things about her that he never knew while she was alive. Such conversations gave assurance that her life mattered and assisted with the grieving process, he said.

Another valuable ministry was for people to insist that Brown participate in activities with them?even when he protested.

“After her death, I had friends who would insist I go out to eat with them or take me with them for holiday parties that first Christmas,” he said. “Even though I didn’t want to do that, I was glad I did. You realize that you are alive and life can be lived again even though it isn’t the same.”

One of the most useful ministries came from a relative whose husband had died not long before Brown’s wife. As one of the few people who knew the types of feelings he had, she provided invaluable insight and friendship, giving him a book that addressed practical issues associated with losing a spouse.

Yet amid the helpful ministry, there were unhelpful gestures as well.

In the last weeks of his wife’s life, some people refused to visit because they said they couldn’t stand to see her so sick. But that was a time when the Brown family needed friends and social contact most, he said.

Although some grieving spouses may feel differently, Brown also found excessive crying in his dying wife’s presence to be unhelpful. He understood why visitors felt sad but said his wife needed normal, cheery conversation to lift her spirits.

“People need to do their crying or grieving outside in the waiting rooms, put on a cheerful face and go in the hospital room and act normal, talking and laughing and making the person feel loved and as normal as possible,” he said.

Following the death, people failed to realize that Brown felt like he had lost his identity at church without his wife at his side. After all, they had worked in children’s ministry and sung in the choir together for more than a decade.

“I can go out to eat by myself, but church is the loneliest place to go. ? I feel like an outsider when I go?at my own church,” he said. “I feel like half a person now.”

Because that feeling is common among widows and widowers, some churches have implemented ministries to facilitate healthy grieving.

Cottonwood Creek Baptist Church in Allen helps grieving spouses reintegrate into the congregation through a series of ministries. The church’s plan includes one-on-one care giving by laypeople, professional counseling, adult Bible fellowship groups, ministry by the pastoral staff and GriefShare, a video-based support group.

“I kind of think of it as a cafeteria,” said associate pastor Joe Patton. “We have all these resources for you, but you pick and choose what you want.”

Still, even with so many programs, Patton said ministry to widowers is challenging. Only one man has completed GriefShare, and a few others opted for one-on-one care. He said the most effective care for men comes through personal relationships.

In the end, however, churches should remember that God is able to care for grieving men even without a plethora of organized ministry options. Despite Brown’s challenges, he said his faith is stronger now than it was before thanks to the Lord’s work in his life.

“I believe my faith is stronger, my belief in God and what Christ did for us,” he said.